Deutsch vom Fass
An Educational Journey in Nine Scenes
Scene 1: The Mission
Dark stage. Forest sounds. Chopping of trees. Light: Stage is empty. After a while: Rolling sounds, slowly getting louder. Barker enters from right, laboriously rolling keg. He places it centre stage, leans on it and catches breath. Farley enters from left, stops and stares at keg. Both are very Canadian-looking, wearing lumberjack jackets etc.
Farley: “Barker! What in God’s name …?”
Barker: “Found it on yonder field. Darn heavy, let me tell you.”
Farley: Why didn’t you just leave it there, eh?”
Barker: “Dunno. It spoke to me, I guess.”
Farley: “It… what? What are you gonna do with it?”
Barker shrugs. They examine the keg, find a label: “German beer.”
Farley: “German beer! Go figure!”
Barker (enthusiastically): “Best beer in the world. Or so they say.
Goes way back…”
Farley: “Well?”
Barker nods. Both pull flasks out of jackets and drink. The quality
of the beer is outstanding.
Barker: “And? What do you think, Farley? Eh?”
Farley: “I’m more of a wine person. (drinks) But not bad, as beer goes. (drinks more) Mhh. On yonder field, you say?”
Barker nods; Farley shakes head in disbelief.
Farley: “Hmm, I wonder…”
Voice from Keg (distinct German accent): “You wonder what?”
Farley (jumps): “What the…?!”
Barker: “It speaks. I told you so!”
Farley is totally dumbfounded. Walks around the keg.
Farley: “This must be some trick.”
Voice (clears throat; mysteriously): “If you build it, they will come…”
Barker: “What?”
Voice: “If you build it, they will come…”
Farley: “Build what? Who will come?”
Voice (abruptly): “This is the spot!”
Farley: “What spot?”
Voice: “The very spot!”
Barker (insistently): “What spot?!”
Voice: “Here you will erect a cathedral of learning, a sublime hall of education, an Asgard of Bildung, in short: a German department.”
Moment of silence. Then in fast succession:
Farley: “A what?”
Barker: “When?”
Voice: “Now!”
Farley: “Oh come on! Here in the wilderness?”
Barker: “A German department? But Canada hasn’t even been
founded yet.”
Voice: “But it will be soon. (Pause) Around your German
department.”
Barker & Farley exchange confused looks.
Voice: “At this exact spot. And I will serve as the cornerstone.”
[echoing]
Farley (unconvinced): “I don’t know. Who are you anyway?”
Voice: “I am who I am! Begin your labour – and in due course, a mighty tower will arise on the distant shores of the mighty lake to sing the praises of your efforts…”
Barker seems somewhat excited, but Farley is incredulous. Takes Barker aside.
Farley: “What do you make of this, Barker?”
Barker: “I found it on yonder field!”
Farley: “Yes, so you said. But a German department here, in the middle of this bloody forest?”
Barker: “It spoke to me!”
Farley (exasperated): “Yes, and to me, but…”
Voice (booming): “Clear this place! Cut the trees! Shoot the birds, but spare the squirrels!”
Barker & Farley exchange looks again. Barker pulls up sleeves nodding. Farley frowns.
Voice: “Drink freely and deeply!”
Farley sighs. They drink. With the beer all scepticism dissipates.
Farley: “A German department – of course! It all makes perfect sense!”
Barker: “Precisely! That’s what has been missing all along! That will change everything!”
They set to work. To the sounds of saws, chopping wood, falling trees and dying birds, Barker & Farley laboriously move the keg in the correct position. Fade-out.
(Toronto 2016)
